Lets get drunk.
Lets get drunk.
Lets get drunk.

They don't say it but i know it's their intentions. Everything they do involves around alcohol. They only drink two types of drink. Tea, twice a day and the rest is alcohol. They are addicted. They say each other is an alcoholic but they themselves aren't When in actual fact they are, both of them. I fucking hate it.

They come home pissed every time they go out. They either act like fucking 2 year olds or have major arguments which sometimes involve the police. 

i am fucking fed up of it.

They never even fucking invite me out. I know i don't drink and i know i won't enjoy myself in a room full of people in their 40's and older but i still would like to be fucking invited. They fucking complain that i spend too much time inside the house but they fucking don't ask me out they always want to be one their own.

Well you know what? Fuck them.

I don't care. i'd rather be at home. They fucking do my head in. Especially that bitch. God i hate her.


Gah, i'm such a nice person arn't i? 
Well this is me. 
Take it or fucking leave it

I can't stop thinking about you.
You're always on my mind.
I've never told you how i really feel.

I'm always thinking about you. Whenever i see i have a message from you it makes me smile and i can feel those butterflies. Just thinking about you makes me so happy and makes a smile appear on my face. I can't help tell people how amazing you are. You really are all i think about.

I can't tell you this though because i'm scared. I don't want to ruin our friendship, i love how we are, but i wish it was more. You're amazing and i'm scared that when and if i tell you i might scare you and it'll ruin things. I don't know what i'd do if that happened because to be honest you mean the world to me.

I don't know if you will ever read this, you probably won't. 
But i have to say this somewhere. Even if it is ever read.
But one things for certain...

...I think i love you.

"Make some tea while im doing this"
"Put the kettle on im gagging"
"Stay home and watch after my dog"

Everything fucking revolves around her and her stupid dog. She thinks that she is always right and she should get everything she fucking wants. She thinks that what ever she says goes and people do whatever she wants. She thinks that her opinions always right and she makes the final desicions. She thinks that her fucking dog is the best thing and the only thing the matters. She thinks that everything has to go her way and she has to be in control of fucking ever. She never says please or thank you. Shes fucking rude and ignorrant. She serious thinks she is the fucking best and the whole fucking world revolves around her.

Well heres some news love, it fucking doesnt.

Do something for yourself for a change and stop making people do it. 

She has some fucking nerve inviting herself to my fucking party as well as her whole fucking family that i don't even know, Its my fucking party and she just invites herself and doesnt even ask me if its okay. Fuck sake.
Guess what love? You aint coming, im gonna make sure of that. Fucking bitch.

Whenever someone proves her wrong or tells her the truth about something or someone doesnt agree with one of her desicions or does something different to what she asks she goes off in a fucking mood and tries to make you fucking guilty.

Well listen here love, the fucking silent treatment doesn't work on me, your 'moods' dont work on me. Sorry but its true.
I can see straight through you and i can see what you're thinking, you might try and hide it but i can still see it. I can read you like a fucking book, i know exactly what your thinking.
You don't have any effect on me, i can see straight through it. You should remember what i went through before i lived here. You are nothing. Your nothing compared to that. Your pathetic. You should know that i have been through that so you should know that you going off in one of your 'moods' has nothing on me. Give up love, its never gonna work.

Fuck, even he can see straight through it, it doesn't even have an effect on him either. You should remember who we are and what we have been through. You can't do shit to us, we won't do what you say. The world doesn't fucking revolve around you. You don't deserve all the money in the fucking world. Your just a tramp.

And what the fuck is this about my nans money that she gave to me and him has gone in your account and we have no access to it unless we ask you? Its not your fucking money. You just wanted control on it and be in control of our money. You just wanted it all to yourself.

You like everything your way, if you dont like it we're not aloud it. What the hell, your not the only one who lives here you know? Not everything fucking revovles around you and depends on what you say. 

This isnt even fucking my home. Its just a room that i live in. I seriously can't wait to fuck off next year. I seriously can't wait to leave you and your stupid precious annoying dog.

Seriously that dog is a fucking annoying idiot. You think the fucking sun shines out its ass. Can't you see that its biting? I could fucking get you done for that. Fucking barking and jumping out, and you say your fucking trying to train it. Its been 2 months love. You aint done fuck all.

And you even have the cheek to name my cats, and you just say that 'oh your leaving soon, you can't name them, we have to live with them'  Fucking bitch. Everything isnt down to you. You should fucking know that by now.

Fucking grow up.

If we were a movie, you'd be the right guy
And i'd be the best friend that you fall in love with
In the end we'd be laughing, watching the sunset
Fade to black, show the names, play the happy song.

Okay, so i guess i havent written in this in a while have i? Im sorry. Ive been so busy. 
Coursework. College. Friends. Family.

I'll try and write more, i promise.

Well lets talk about people.
Theres different types of people. Im not just talking about looks, race, age and all that bull.
Mentality. People think in different ways. Some people hide behind a sheild they create for themselves thinking that people can't see straight through it. Some people have it open. let people read them like a book.

You say you read me like a book but the pages are all torn and frayed.

Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, just leaving it out in the public for it to get battered and bruised beyond repair and give up on everything.

Im not one of those people. My heart isnt on my sleeve. It takes a while to get to know the real me. Some people i have known for years i still dont trust properly. Hell i dont even trust my family. It takes alot, and i mean a very lot for people to gain my trust. Its been broken too many times for people to earn it easily. I dont like being vunerable. I like staying the sheild. Its my protection. My only way of knowing im not going to get hurt. But still it seeps through the cracks and i get hurt and i feel the pain just like everyone else. Just sometimes, it doesnt sting as much because i know its coming.
I also think the worst in all situations.
I always look at the negative side in things.
I always over anaylse things
and i always take things too personally.

Sorry but thats who i am. Love me or leave me, im never gonna change.

I realise that this rant has gone far off the subject of people that it was originally set out to be about. But thata life. it never turns out the way you want. Something always happens and it takes off in a different direction than the one you set out to go in.

Sometimes you just stay where you are and are afraid to taking a step towards a new direction.
Sometimes you just have yo be brave.
Sometimes you just have to throw that compus away.
Sometimes you just need your mind.
One step can lead to a thousand.

Im sorry if i sound like a complete nerd. To be honest i dont care if i do. You dont know who i am.
Am i Male or Female?
How old am i?
Where am i from?
Whats my name?
And to be honest im not going to tell you.
I like the idea of being annoymous.

It makes me harder to track.

I leave no clues.
Try and Find me.

Why the fuck do i always feel like its my fucking fault, even when it blatently isnt?

Shes in a fucking mood with because because i got up half an hour late and didnt take the dogs with her, so i said i would take them later, did i fuck. They aint my fucking dogs, aint my fucking problem, i dont need to fucking look after them. I hate them so much, spoilt fucking animals. 

Shes still in a fucking mood with me for no reason, i know she is by the way she is speaking and looks at me, when she does that is. But when dads in the room she pretends like everythings fine and fucking dandy.

Like shes complaining that shes hurt her back when she blatently hasnt and is making us do every fucking thing for her, even like picking something up if shes dropped something, she just likes the fucking attention. Bitch. Shes just milking it because she likes everything to revolve around her and thinks that shes always right and if you say otherwise shes goes off in a fucking mood.

She thinks that shes the best thing in the fucking world and expects everyone to buy shit for her and do everything for her, she even wants me to get a fucking job to pay rent and help with HER fucking animals, in other words she just wants me to work so she can get more money to fucking waste on gambling and i dont see a fucking penny of it.

I cant wait til i fucking move out.
Never have to fucking see that bitch again.

I just still feel like everythings my fault. Like everyone blames me for everything. Everyone makes me feel so unloved and like im a worthless peice of shit that doesnt even belong here, im just a burden on here, i dont think i'd make a difference if i wasnt here, to be fair i dont think anyone would notice. 

Like with Zara. Ira not my dog right? But i still feel as if Sue gets pissed if i dont clean up after her. Even if Sue is in the room and she has to clear it up its like she gives me this dirty look like i should be doing it. I mean why should i? its her fucking dog.
I know what she really thinks about me, i hear her when she thinks no-one else is listening. She forgets walls arnt sound proof. I hear her say all this shit about me to her fucking friend Karen, whos just as bad as her, about how things are my fault and what ive apprently done or supposedly not done. But then when she see's me next its like she says it to my face but changes it so it sounds like shes being nice. Bullshit. She can't fucking fool me.

People dont know that i can read through them, i can read people like books. I know exactly what they are thinking or how they are feeling just by looking at their face, mainly they're eyes give it away and they can't do anything about it, its something people can't control unless they have had experience. They're who life is told through their eyes.

But unfortunatly i have had that experiencce and i can hide what i am feeling all of the time and no-one can tell, i just hide behind this sheild ive created for myself and no-one really knows the real me. Not my best friend, not my dad. No-one.
And sorry but i plan to keep it that way, i dont want to let my guard down, i dont want people to know the real me. I prefer it like this. Pretending to be someone i'm not because then it seems like my problems fade away, even if its just for a little while.

But they come back and i have to hide. Hide from everyone. Hide from anything.

I care too much about trivial things, i care too much about everything. I over anaylse things, read into things too much and take things too personally. Sorry but its who i am and im not changing for anyone.
People dont know i do this and once again, sorry but im keeping in that way.

If i dont tell people. its seems like my problems fade away.

I like writing in here, its like im writing a story on someone elses life and not my own and if only for a little while it seems like i havent got a care in the world. Its all okay. I know its not really. Eveyrthings fucked up. But for the minutes that i write everything dissappears an i can be myself, on my own. Even if its just for a few minutes. 

But i never fully take down that sheild.
I can't trust anyone.
Im aware of everything.
Im keeping it that way.
Im keeping my fake smile.
And this time i dont appoligise.